Jesus pursuing me

 

Before coming to SOCL, I struggled to stay focused and build up my prayer life during the circuit breaker period. It was also difficult focusing on schoolwork and assignments and balancing prayer and school was the most challenging it had ever been. I thought it was just because of the sudden transition back from Australia to Singapore or because of physical tiredness that I was finding it harder to spend more time praying and sitting in silence with the Lord. But two months passed and even with lots of rest, that tiredness didn’t seem to go away. I didn’t know the reason why and I just kept asking the Lord to help me. I entered into SOCL hoping to find some answers from the Lord.

 

In the first eight days of SOCL, the Lord didn’t seem to reveal anything to me and I was starting to get restless with myself and with the Lord. Leaving for classes in the morning and going back for afternoon sessions was difficult and it was a constant battle to stay focused both in my school lectures and the SOCL sessions. 

However, little did I know that the Lord was slowly revealing the source of this tiredness to me. I did not manage to fully piece it together until the one-one session I had with my CGL on the 9th day. I felt prompted to share about my journey back home from Australia and in saying it out loud, I suddenly realised that this tiredness was not just physical, it was also spiritual. 

 

During these few days of SOCL, the Lord sat with me many times as I reflected on the start of this semester when I had to move out of my previous accommodation and was afraid of not being able to find a new home. I went back to the moment when I was packing to come back to Singapore and realised that I never had the chance to unpack anything and now I was carrying everything back to Singapore. After having a good laugh about it with my mum over the phone, I sat down beside my luggage and started sobbing and praying. 

 

I didn’t understand why I was so sad until now, two months later, as I sat in silent reflection after the conversation with my CGL. The Lord revealed the sadness was the result of spiritual tiredness and the fear of abandonment, that I would not have a destination or home to go to with all the luggage that I carried on my back. 

 

But in my prayers, the Good Shepherd soft toy came to mind, and how it sat at the head of my bed every day no matter where I was. Jesus, in His soft voice that I have been blocking out in my daily rush, told me that He has never left and that He will never abandon or leave me. He told me that He is there every step of the way and He is always my Father, the Good Shepherd who carries His sheep on His back and all her luggage as well.

 

Due to all the struggles and obstacles that I faced while trying to stay focused, I felt that I wasn’t giving the Lord enough and the lie that I needed to present myself in a perfect way to Him was stuck in my head. However, throughout SOCL, the Lord told me that He has not given up on me and continues to pursue me. He took the little I could offer and told me it is good.

 

After SOCL, the Lord says that He isn’t done with me continues to challenge me a little more every single day. Even though the wound has been revealed and healing has started. The lies of abandonment and imperfection continue to come once in a while. However, with the powerful truth that I claimed during SOCL, I continue to proclaim the truth that the Good Shepherd never abandons His sheep and no matter how heavy I get, He will always carry me if I allow Him to. 

 

So, brothers and sisters, will you allow the Lord to carry you today?